John Wolf
In a moment of breathless desire, your heart will race so quickly and thoughts will flutter round like flurries in a snowstorm. You’re an experienced, strong, and self- assured woman. Over the years you’ve dated the handsome selection, with money, success, and power. In fact, by this point, you can give great advice to just about every woman under the age of 35 as well as spot a sticky situation from miles away. But when you encounter the Wolf, it will throw you off course so suddenly, that you will stumble trying to understand what’s happened. You feel as though, you’ve lost all that you are, and in this moment...it is the very first time.
It’s November and the apartment feels chilled and empty now with just the dogs to keep you company. Every so often, they run around hyper and restless, gnawing at each other like wild animals. Your sweet baby girl has been away at school after deciding on her own, that boarding life would be the next great exploration. To make up for feeling reclusive you’ve decided, it’s a good night for something gourmet. Cold air skims your face as you scan empty refrigerator shelves. “It’s probably time to make a stop at Trader Joes,” you say to yourself before 9inally settling on a piece cheese and closing the door. “Ping”, the sound of chimes from your phone reverberate from the countertop, “Ping” a second chime sounds, just as you slide into the barstool pick up the phone and discover a noti9ication on Facebook.
There is something about checking social media that mirrors what was once upon a time the red blinking counter on an answering machine. Likes, comments, and the sharing of worldwide chaos along with the hilarity of a constant need for celebrity from people you barely know. A colossal waste and yet, so tempting and delightful at the same time. You quickly open a message from John Wolf.
It’s a Curious situation, with Wolf; He’s one of those men you’ve known forever without knowing. Like a next-door neighbor you talk to daily but never really talk about anything at all. It’s been at least three years since you saw him last and of course, like most good looking men with something to offer in LA, he was in a relationship then. Her name was Becky or was it Jenny you think? Who really cares? After all didn’t he started dating her immediately after asking, “let’s Grab Drinks”? Of course it was no big deal. Most men can barely remember your name let alone the unsolidi9ied plans they’ve made with you and every other pretty girl encountered.
The message is short and ends by saying “you’re really good looking”. You smile and send back a polite “thank you”, knowing full well the compliment means absolutely NOTHING. You’ve learned your lesson with this one already, or have you? No woman seeks to be entertainment for the taken man. But before backing out, you decide to inspire the conversation a bit more. Why wouldn’t you? You’re home alone and deserve a little male attention. There is something about the Holiday season that creates a vulnerability that just isn’t quite the same as other times of the year. A phenomenon unexplained, somehow every single person becomes hyper aware of the fact that they are alone. The exchange becomes more revealing, sexually
arousing, and un9iltered. You begin wonder about Becky and think... Maybe this is a lousy idea?
A week passes and the Wolf still lingers like the repetition of a top 40 radio hit. No real phone calls of course; like most men he’s quick to say the most intimate of things through text. After all, there’s no real commitment with the separation of An LCD. He’ll tell say you’re beautiful and impress his high regard for your amazing qualities. You wonder how it’s even possible for someone to feel that way when they hardly know you. He’ll say he thinks about you all the time and wonders what could have been. “Could this be true?”, You’ll ask yourself, all the while taking inventory of every encounter with the wolf. You try to remember him making even one attempt to reach out to you, but can’t. The reality of his noninterest will be clouded by the false connection created with effusive admiration and subtle supposing. Sometimes you wonder if it’s anything like playing a video game. Once he reaches maximum points, will he move on? You’ve checked your phone at night maybe two, three times in anticipation of a message. The conversations have graduated from mild 9lirtations to all sorts of sexual what ifs and maybes. Its exciting and you’re surprisingly very open with this one, though your gut is 9ighting you, tooth and nail.
A lesson in life that’s worth remembering; never let your guard down for a man you claim to know without making him earn it. In the end he will behave just as the men you hardly knew at all.
Becky still lingers in your thoughts and you wonder who is this mysterious girlfriend exactly? He’ll carry on about in details about his travels, daily activities, and even say goodnight always carefully leaving Becky out of the equation. To satisfy curiosity, you reduce yourself from cool girl to stalker and peruse his online photos. Quietly you analyze their “picture perfect” relationship with biased emotion and extreme insecurity, realizing immediately, your nothing like humdrum Becky; Her bob haircut, light makeup, & 9lowing Laura Ashley style dresses, make her the perfect accessory for most special occasions. She loves Julie Andrews, Hockey, and roller- skating. You say to yourself I bet she had one black friend in college, well one mixed friend anyway. His mother, like his closest friends adore her familiarity, a standard puzzle piece that 9its snugly into the Anglo-American upper middle class family. In this moment of clarity, you’re hoping that John Wolf doesn’t see your ample curves, full lips, olive skin, and mystery as a mere sexual conquest. Perhaps he doesn’t think your smart enough to know the difference.
The very next day you have a chat with the Wolf. Always spirited, full of energy and adventure, the Wolf Inadvertently gives false hope to a day you might get a glimpse inside this seemingly exciting world of his. Mentally you immerse yourself in his words, yearning for inclusion. Maybe it’s the idea of who he could be rather than what he is, your most attracted to. Without knowing the difference, you both agree that frequently conversing may be too torturous to continue. You totally disconnect.
With the passing of days, normalcy settles in. No more “what ifs and maybes” In fact, you’ve convinced yourself that John Wolf’s really is missing out on everything. Anyone spending all that excitement with humdrum Becky, isn’t worth the trouble. Christmas is coming and of course you plan a fabulous time for your daughter’s homecoming. You pull out the old tree and carefully adorn it with delicate decorations. It’s a Wonderful Life plays on television while you sip hot cider and the house almost feels less lonely... almost. By the time you’ve finished, the living room looks like a Macy’s window display. Instead of being spiteful, you carefully type a little cheerful note to Wolf, making sure to keep it fun and friendly, you even ask about Becky. Perhaps he’ll think you’re so wonderful he’ll rethink his relationship with her. Be cool like you don’t have a care in the world men love that, or so you’ve read in elle or was it Instyle magazine? Well who knows. The Wolf will go on and on about his ski resort vacation somewhere in paradise, you instantly feel miffed and perhaps a little nauseous. Nothing a shot or stiff drink alone can’t 9ix.
It’s January and you’ve moved on completely. New Years is the perfect time to start over and move on from past disappointments. The Wolf along with other memories was carefully wrapped up and stored away in the box Labeled “past regret”. Occasionally you are reminded of him but your keep conscious distance. A new apartment, car, and a commitment to get healthy are the central focus. With so much happening, it’s as if the Wolf were never even there. Well technicaly he wasn’t.
In February you move to the new place with a bit a struggle. It’s curious how all the people you’ve helped over the past year suddenly evaporate into thin air. In the process, you take a terrible spill sustaining a major injury to your ankle. Bruised and in a constant state of pain you hobble around to get things done. Valentines evening is spent alone unpacking boxes and sipping on red wine. You even buy yourself some cheap chocolate assortment and sift through the online streaming Rom-com selection. Unexpectedly, the wolf sends a message, “ Happy Valentines Day gorgeous. xo”. You’re a bit puzzled and a slightly disturbed by his caviler unpredictability. How could he possibly be thinking of you on Valentines Day? Becky must be more humdrum than you initially thought. You simply say “thank you”, wishing him a good day and proceed to polish off the rest of the chocolate and wine and try not to focus on the calories. After a few days and you look at his message again stew in that moment of frailty wondering what made him think of you. You’ll know it’s merely your troubled ego that so desperately needs this question answered but still react by reaching out again. The wolf responds so quickly, it’s as if he was waiting by the phone. He goes on to tell you that he’s heading out of town, to star in yet another 9ilm but for now he’s vacationing in Mammoth with Becky. You try to divert your thoughts away from how cozy they must be in their winter cabin paradise. He’s probably just made love to her for the third time today and she’s laying in bed resting. Picturesque like a summer catalogue, but never mind those tiny details. Just put it out of your mind. For fear of getting pulled back in, you try to keep all questions strictly in the friend zone. Before the conversation ends, he reminds you again how sexy and beautiful he 9inds you and that the both of you should grab a
drink. The compliments only further your inner feelings of inadequacy. “Apparently not sexy enough.” you say to yourself before replying with a simple, “Thank you.”
In March you celebrate your 39th birthday. The day is spent indulgent in pampering from head to toe. By this juncture, birthdays are more of an assessment rather than a celebration. You look closely at your face in the mirror, scanning the small pores around your cheeks and the subtle lines in your lips. Turning side to side, you examine for signs of a possible upcoming expiration. Not bad, but all the while wondering inside, how long? A week later the Wolf crosses your mind and you feel strong enough now, to reach out without angst of hopefulness. He tells you he’s in Portland raising money for at risk teens. Smiling, you’re reminded of why you found him so incredibly attractive in the 9irst place. Before ending the conversations he casually mentions that he and Becky have decided to take a break and upon returning, he’s like to go for drinks. Biting your lip you realize that the excitement you thought had dissipated, had been merely hovering under a wall of fear. You agree to meet, envisioning over the next few days how things will unfold.
A week later the wolf returns home and you carefully craft a thoughtful text message to show genuine concern for his safe travels. Sealing the deal, he 9inally pops the question.” Are you free later for drinks?” Your heart skips several beats as your 9ingers fumble “Yes, what time were you thinking?” Its a full day and there is never shortage of things to do but hardly able to concentrate, you scramble home and attempt to throw together a simple yet sexy ensemble. Aside from the usual task of 9inding just the right thing, you cleverly camou9lage the 10 or is it 15 pounds that crept up during the lonely holiday. Not knowing what to expect, excitement 9ills the rest of your day and soon enough you head out into the night.
The place is off the boulevard but very exclusive. Stepping out at the valet, your knees wobble and your nerves become disorienting. Breathe deeply centering your focus. This isn’t after all a romantic rendezvous, simply a casual meeting with drinks. The formally suited doorman escorts you in with the exchange of a simple password and your greeted by a cozy den of warmth and wood. Straight ahead of you at a rustic table in the center of the dim lit venue, the wolf waits. You notice his dark suite and focused eyes. Those eyes are what made you think of him from the 9irst day. With dizziness still looming, you push through approaching while he stands to kiss your cheek pulling out a chair for you. His smell and touch are so intoxicating you can hardly gather your thoughts and you sit down quickly and try to be graceful somewhat relieved you didn’t fall. A glass of red wine awaits and you think to yourself “how thoughtful”. His is presence makes you feel utterly feminine and fragile all over and you succumb willingly. He’s charming and even more handsome than you remember, and his smile has you dangling on every word. The wolf openly shares recent projects, travel, and stories before telling you about Becky. “We’ve decided to take a break and see if THIS is what we really want.” His careless ease paints a picture of possibility or so you believe. By this time the wine has settled and in 9leeting instant, the background fades away into muf9led sound. You lean into him lured by subliminal intoxication. Every part of your body tingles as you touch lips
caressing his face and beard. Smiling, you celebrate internally and look away biting your lip.
The night ends and he carefully walks you to the car, paying the valet and holding your hand. You enjoy this erroneous gesture and pretend in the moment that he is yours... just for now. Upon departing, he kisses you deeply then whispering words that will idle long after this moment has past. You step out to a bar but as the night fades, his scent and touch remains constant.
As though your meeting with the wolf was a dream, the next morning you will wake in disbelief. The days can’t move quickly enough and thoughts of when you will be able to see him again resonate. Not wanting to push too hard, you don’t really ask until two weeks have passed. Its practically torture, but being with him again will be well worth the angst that builds over time. As the days unfold you keep in touch but only on text. You send him pictures hoping to entice his animal nature and pull him closer but for some reason it always feels self-exploiting. With each photo you reveal more of your self, becoming vulnerable to the inevitability of this affair. He enjoys every moment of contact and continually reminds you of everything that he has ever wanted and will do to your body. Periodically you allow his words to submerge your thoughts.
The wolf 9inally agrees to meet again, moving things around in his schedule at last minute. Even with your daily exchanges he appears to be slipping away, something you can feel internally pulling. The plan is to be 9lawless in hopes that you will linger long after the night has past. At the bar he waits for you, well dressed and polished as expected. He con9idently 9lashes a charming smile standing up to meet your lips kiss and softly kissing you. “Well done!” He nods before taking a sip of scotch and scanning with approval. Again though word, vibration, and touch he reminds you of your beauty and as the time passes it becomes impossible not to touch one another. Before long his hands have caressed every curve of your body without modesty or restraint. You enjoy every moment wanting so much more than this. It is then that he expresses the desire to own you and although there is a twinge of apprehension, somehow the thought excites you more than ever. He dominant and aggressive though gentle enough.
You hope that by this time he’s concluded Becky to remain a closed chapter. With slight exchange of conversation, you know this isn’t true but decide he could be worth the wait without eluding any thoughts of wishful thinking, at least not out loud anyway. As the night unfolds he’ll share some intimate details like taking anti depressants, needing time to heal, and his father, who’s dying from Cancer. You will be shocked and saddened immediately wanting to console him with affection and understanding. Perhaps this is your opportunity to be a friend wedged into what he describes as all fucked up.
Your good friend Sean once told you, ”People always tell you who they are in the very beginning, just listen.”
The night is over far too quickly and you’re escorted to valet by the wolf who waits, this time more reserved in his efforts. Your curious as to why the night must end so soon but try to be the cool girl when he says, “I have a 6 am call time.” You’re hopeful this won’t be the last meeting but have some angst about the possibility. After conversing with a homeless guy sporting a Luke and Laura shirt for a bout 30 minutes, you ask the valet about your car, which apparently they never got the ticket for. They 9inally bring the car around and you get in asking the wolf to take the drivers seat. Reluctant because you know the night will end very soon. Driving to where he’s parked for the night you can’t keep your eyes and hands away from one another but end with the mutual agreement that sex isn’t an option. You’re far too emotional and he’s far too removed from emotion. The last kiss leaves you with longing and frustration.
The next couple of weeks become dif9icult. The wolf reaches out less and less and you wonder what you can do to keep him intrigued. Knowing that he is dealing with the possible death of parent, you try to become a con9idant. Subtly you let him know that you can be there for anything. Of course he doesn’t really take you up on the offer the way you had hoped and once again, you 9ind yourself alone like you were during the previous holiday season.
The funny thing about one-sided attachment, it can feel so empty and yet the other party will live their life accordingly as if nothing has happened at all. Scrolling through your phone you review every exchanged text, hoping for a clue, a signal, some sign of where you’ve arrived. Nothing. It’s as if you never were and would never be,... again.
Filing the sadness you focus on moving into a new apartment, 9inishing some classes, and planning a trip to pick up your daughter. It’s tough, but somehow you are able to push some feelings under. Isn’t that what we must do in the face of pain & disappointment? Although there is no greater feeling than love, there is no greater pain than the loss of it’s equivalent. Or so that is what you have learned...
As the time presses you might have two very brief conversations with the wolf, one of which he makes it painfully clear that an actual phone conversation would be a waste of his precious day. It is in that moment you realize how very little your presence means at all but stubborn, you’ll hold on just a while more.
